Tinsel Town Snitch in meltdown Thursday, 30 June 2011

The hills are alive with gossip that Ross King is receiving counselling and electric shock therapy.

It seems all that glitters is not always necessarily golden globes for the former GMTV entertainment anchor following a recent breakdown at a suntan spray booth.

Makeup Mandy’s suntan booth employee Caitlin said “He came in being his usual creepy self and was slurring his words, Id got as far as spraying his naked ass when he spun round and shouted im the biggest cock in Hollywood, I hit the panic button and he was forcibly removed from the shop”  

Police were also called to a recent awards ceremony after it was alleged he threw a punch at Cameron Diaz determined to break her nose after being snubbed for a impromptu on the spot interview, seen minesweeping drinks from V.I.P  tables, swiped a goodie bag reserved for celebs and later that night seen urinating upon Michael Jackson’s Hollywood star.

A recent break in at Sean Penn’s Hollywood beachside condo home point suspiciously to the one time friend of Hollywood, tell tale clues include,  a heavy foundation face imprint on patio French doors, a discarded teeth whitener pencil , a empty can of  Irn Bru, and key ring of Lorraine from ‘GMTV’days sucking her thumb suggestively.

Concern is his gone feral after the breakdown of Gmtv and the failings at Daybreak.

Worried celebs have reported seeing him sleeping rough and referring to celebs in his native tongue Glaswegian as ‘gobshites’

Close friends say his actions are totally out of character, gone is the cheesy fixed smile that would put you both on edge and at ease at the same time, the forced laughter and general arse kissing and dyed orange hair have been replaced with fits of rage, heavy drinking and grey roots.

His Hollywood publicist said “No comment” then retracted that statement and issued  another which was simply ‘fuck him you should see what his done in my pool’, but that’s Hollywood one minute your on top of the world in Hello magazine mixing it with the stars the next your on the streets sucking people off for food and mixing it with the underclass.

Reports that Carla Romano fell about laughing when told are unconfirmed.

   

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Don’t go drinking with a Movie Hard Man. Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Casey Ryback from ‘Under Siege’ or better known as Steven Weird Triangle purple black hair transplant Seagal is a man that would stand for nothing, If he called me up mumbling that he had a weekend off coming up and lets go out drinking I would have to make an excuse , he is not who you want to go out drinking with at the bowling multiplex at a weekend.

The mumbling hardman is guaranteed trouble it would only take a simpleton to be smoking in a ‘non smoking’ area and a cheeky ‘go fuck yourself’ remark when asked to distinguish said cigarette before he set about destroying just about everybody within arm length with body slaps, you would be the one that gets the fatal glass stabbing, its your job as his sidekick.

In summary, handy to know on a cruise ship or the London underground after midnight otherwise forget it.

Dutch (Arnold Schwarzenegger) from ‘Predator’ would be great until he started cheerfully backslapping you whenever he laughed, nothing he says would make sense until you were on your seventh pint of snake bite and black, and the cigar smoke could be nauseous, also his machismo would render you looking like ‘Louie Spence’ and you don’t want that when your on the pull or its time to fight the bad guys.

In summary, The fun of you both shouting 'get to da chopper' would quickly be outweighed by you ending up looking so feminine next to him you would have a hard job convincing people you were not gay.  

Rambo first blood would be depressing you’d need to keep him off the whiskey and have to avoid all references to Vietnam and pray the jukebox doesn’t come a live at any point in the evening to the sounds of ‘19’ by Paul Hardcastle, your probably going to be putting in a call to Colonel Samuel Trautman when a police community support officer innocently asks you both to move along and make your way home at the end of a heavy cocktail session in ‘T.G.I Fridays’ at chucking out time.

In Summary his a loaded gun, one wrong word and he could be town bound popping wheelies on a stolen Yamaha DT125 and god forbid Colonel Trautmen’s mobile is off or in a signal less area should you need to put the call in.

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Darius Danesh will fuck your women. Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Darius Danesh the 6ft 5inch anti-hero of music has and will try and fuck your Mum, your sister, your fat niece, your disabled gran, how?, with his eyes that’s how and a twisted smirk, whatever you do switch over whenever he arrives on screen, he will look deep into the lens and try and fuck them, he tried it with me when I watched  Popstars back in 2000 and I was having none of it, I spat in his face and turned the TV off.

It may be to late for some of you, if his held your aunties gaze for more than five seconds through the lens then she’s as good as been fucked, ten seconds and his done her twice, right in front of your very own eyes!

Don’t rest up thinking once his done he won’t do her again, he will, reach for the remote and put an end to it.

  

Darius has recently changed him name to Campbell, suggestions are that he wanted to embarrass the Scots by owning up that he is indeed Scottish which wasn’t welcomed by the Scots but the rest of us can breathe a sigh of relief.

I think it’s inevitable that Darius will one day pop up on the Eurovision song contest, he will then try and fuck the rest of the world if not with his eyes then with his terrible cheesy music.

 You’ve been warned, protect your women folk.

  

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I want the Ceo of Robinson fruit drink to re-enact the advert in Tottenham Monday, 27 June 2011

I often watch adverts, say watch I am forced to watch the shit they push through the screen because money talks……, the latest heart warming ad that has no base in reality has been made by Robinsons. No doubt you’ve seen it, a middle class street and a middle class family with a token black kid for demographics thrown in.

What follows next is pure farce, the kids gather round mummy no doubt they call her mummy not mum, she provides them with a pitcher of Robinson juice and plenty of glasses they then embark across the local area handing out free drinks, its enough to make you call social services and report the bitch, what is she thinking.

This is corporate advertising for you, senior members of staff completely out of touch who probably haven’t heard of ‘rimming’ or ‘T-bagging’, they are living in a world that doesn’t exist.

These kids wouldn’t make it out of the street where I grew up they’d be found covered in Robinsons juice, spit and piss, and I grew up in Croydon which is nothing compared to Tottenham, they would have been tortured, water boarded with gallons of Robinsons.

I hate corporate adverts another is the Halifax but I will address that later when I can write anything, something, that doesn’t involve the word ‘cunts’.       

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England Rugby player Mike Tindall prevents 20,000 suicides a month



Mike Tindall has become a pinup amongst the Ugly men of this country, passing an uncanny resemblance to sloth from the Goonies hasn’t hindered Mikes pulling ability, his not only giving royalty one but his going to marry into royalty.

This is a clear case of watering down the blue blood line done every now and again to prevent one fucking anothers bloodline, this is done in order to prevent bearing children that...er…look like Mike!

Thousands of men who have fucked up noses and nothing to write home about looks have stopped throwing themselves onto power lines, murdering innocent people before turning the knife on themselves or hanging themselves in their garage, if Mike can do horse face royal Zara Phillips they surely have hope of fucking Miss wanna be Britney Spears down at the local  ‘Railway Tavern’.

If it turns out Mike has a 10 inch penis then ‘Bet Fred’ are putting on good odds that suicide rates will sky rocket.

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I ordered Noel Edmonds death

Cosmic ordering is a kind of religion it’s for people that want something for free.

What’s appealing about it is that unlike other religions you don’t have to partake in any strange rituals or dress up, you’re not required to don a tribal mask and spit at the full moon declaring all things cosmic are all powerful.

Noel Edmonds some say cosmic orderings leader brought it to my attention, he didn’t spell it out but planted the seed subconsciously, that seed is simply if a fool like that can make it and lead a charmed existence for so long using the system then anyone can, its current success has been founded on its genius advertising or just gullible people or a mix of the two.

I now know it doesn’t work/exist, how do I know?, I have an outstanding list of unfulfilled requests from the cosmic.

If the system works why haven’t I received ‘Life changing money’, why hasn’t one of the happy clappy pilgrims snapped and done a Mark Chapman on Noel Edmonds ass, why hasn’t Jedward been found in a rain soaked open grave, admittedly I did get excited when Jordan had that near fatal range rover crash some months ago with her Argentinean boyfriend but it couldn’t even do that right, so I urge you not to put all your faith into this scam and save some for God his not terribly reliable but if enough of us pray he might totally fuck Noel Edmonds up and his cosmic ordering scam.

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Zumba brainwashing the fat Sunday, 26 June 2011

Zumba is a combination of aerobic and high-energy Latin and international beats that turns big ass Carole from accounts into some hip swinging ‘Nutty Professor’ dancing nightmare.  

In the the past fat women wouldn’t move unless it involved a sugary treat as way of bribery, but the chubsters are fighting back and now they have a medium in which they can express themselves.

Enter any Zumba dojo and you will find women a plenty heavy on the hips swinging that ass to a well choreographed routine, these women lose their inhibitions as soon as the beat drops, the class usually led by a bandana wearing coke snorting feminist who’s finishing 180 hours of community service whips the class up into a cult like frenzy, under different conditions and armed with bats and ill formed information they could be likened to a group of vigilantes roaming an estate for a paedophile, admittedly rocking up swinging their hips in unison might not be as intimdating as a group of feral kids that can't distinquish between stamping on an ant and stamping on a member of the church but none the less the point is they are lost in the moment.

The worst bit about Zumba is that its so easy to learn the steps, this allows the once down trodden fatties to suddenly think they are the bees knees and they begin to ‘give it large’ just when you begin to start likeing them for trying to lose weight, so you end up with a paradox, yes they are making an effort to improve themselves by the power of Zumba dance but ironically still end up  just being a fat dancing cunt from  accounts.
  

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