Being really really FAT makes you happy! Saturday 6 October 2012

Being thin isn’t as much fun as you might think, yes you can eat all the good things in life but if you’re to thin and cant put on weight you look gaunt and frighten children on the way to school, you’re affectionately known as the bogey man.

From the thin man we can move on to a little bit of a belly, most people with a few extra pounds round the midriff think they are a bit chunky, then you move up a level to those a bit bigger they are infact ‘Chunky’ but think they are fat, then the next level up is fat people they think they are obese, then the next level up is obese people they think they are morbidly obese, then the biggest women who use chicken drumsticks to pick their teeth with just think they are SUPER MODELS!

They are the only happy people on a night out, they are the ones hanging out of the limousines shouting and screaming, they are the ones looking in the nightclub mirrors and giving the bar man fuck me eyes whilst putting stiletto size puncture wounds into the dance floor as they shake that ass.Happiness is truly being fatter than anyone else.

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Were having a baby aren’t we amazing! Wednesday 3 October 2012

I find people that are having a baby a bit annoying, I know politically its incorrect of me but I don’t understand the fuss, I think it’s the way it takes drab Deborah in reception to a new found level of popularity in the office albeit for the next 9 months that makes me feel uncomfortable, because before she started telling all and sundry about the god like miracle she was just boring Debs the oxygen thief who ate rivitas.

Im always intrigued by the woman’s other half the stud that fertilized her, her Dave or Gary, he sounds like a proper bloke the sort that could get a girl pregnant just by sharing her toothbrush, the kind of bloke that Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels was based on, usually his just some chauvinistic dickhead who works out of a van or a building site, great they’ve managed to produce something that will either be boring or a dickhead or both that will haunt the earth for next 78 years in the meantime im supposed to be happy for them.

I wouldn’t have a problem if this was a dying planet and its atmosphere prevented us as a race to conceive and have children thereby guaranteeing the extinction of the human race…but wait there’s hope Gary and Debs have managed the impossible, then I would congratulate them and think it’s a miracle but seeing as we have perfect breeding conditions here on earth I can’t see how the news is amazing unless news broke that the conception was anything but orthodox and Gary had sat on the arm chair and Debs was on the sofa and Gary wanked himself off and shot his load onto and up Debs fanny from about 10 feet away from each other and made her pregnant that way, I would agree that’s quite amazing but just having a baby like everyone else is not amazing.  

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