If im stuck down a blind alley after shining a laser pen into a Greek cabbies eyes, the last thing I want to see marching down to my aid is one of the Superheros from ‘Superheros of Surburbia’ I might as well stab us both and get it over with.
Superheros of Surburbia is the latest documentary in the First Cut series for channel 4 and explores how a number of ordinary people have donned superhero garb in the past few years and taken to the streets.
Unlike other superheros who have undergone life changing accidents such as gamma rays, spider bites, distant planetary explosions, our superheros simply yearn to be a superhero, its like thinking you’re a millionaire with a tenner in the bank.
The Dark Spartan or Will as his known at home to the wife has sparred no expensive on his outfit but apparently is going through a bit of a breakdown which goes someway into explaining why he thinks his a member of the infamous 300 of Sparta, his enlisted a sidekick which actually makes him look like a genuine superhero, Black Void is prone to irritable bowl syndrome and has only a cane which he twirls like a 15 yr cheerleader when under attack, he has taken the less expensive route on costume he looks like a big kid whos mum has stuck him in some ill fitting pyjama’s.
The last of the superheroes was a confused teenager who had a niggling doubt about his ability to be a superhero but none the less was determined to be one, in fairness the doubt would be the standard emotion in any human that has NO super power except for being super stupid.
So The Dark Spartan , to his credit he did have a good superhero costume and had the balls or stupidity depending on your take to enter Torquay town of a weekend in full regalia by taxi and stand by looking superhero’ish overseeing events as police tackled drunken youths , with no martial art skills or weapons to protect him his a sitting duck , a NHS A&E statistic waiting to happen.
The Dark Spartans costume looks impressive but I suspect his Roman like shield wasn’t adequately pressure tested, the true test will probably come in the shape of a volley of spit, verbal abuse, and adidas canvas trainers that will no doubt rain upon it one weekend when the locals grow tired of his presence, if his job as a superhero is to take both verbal abuse and sooner or later a volley of physical abuse then he is indeed serving the community.
The worst Superhero costume goes to 17 yr old Kieran or Noir, he clearly hasn’t got the heart or the imagination for it, if you just cut a eye mask out of the orange box your Nike trainers came in and wear only that your leaving yourself open to being both recognized and ridiculed.
The mask is crude, it doesn’t hide the big hair or the everyday clothes he wears all the time, and his less likely to be taken seriously if he deems giving a girl who’s recently been mugged a box of Maltezers as job done, instead of tracking the thug down the rain soaked streets under the cover of darkness and dishing out some vigilante violence.
Sure his hearts in the right place but its only a matter of time before it finds itself skewed to a knife like a red onion on a kebab spike as he leaps into a gangland postcode turf battle, with nothing but good intentions and a orange cardboard box eye mask to protect him!
No make my superhero Highlander, I want Connor McCloud by my side down that alley taking the stabbing over and over again laughing as he slowly gets back up from his knees, until of course he realises his not actually a superhero who’s immortal his Jason Page from Leicester who’s been missing from his hometown for 3 weeks after his cheese business went belly up and he stopped taking his anti depressants.
A superhero without a superpower is like having a blog nobody reads….pointless!.........wait a minute?
Vernon Kaye is leaving Radio One, his weekend slot that I never listened to except once as the only time I did I was sat at a level crossing waiting for the train to pass when I decided out of boredom to switch on, yes it was a Saturday and no I didn't know the overly hyper mouthed dimwit would talk about Boltons away fixture or be all loud and squeaky and overly cheerful and chummy to callers to the show.
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