The key ingredients to becoming a Recruitment Consultant Sunday, 4 November 2012

1. You must be able to bare face lie, im not talking about little white lies, im like being able to point at the moon and with all seriousness tell people that it is infact the Sun.

2. You must LOVE the sound of your own voice you should be able to talk excitedly about any mundane minimum wage role its not important or relevant if the candidate is a good fit for the role, what’s more important is do they have a 5 year checkable history and no impending convictions.

3. Borrowing the ethos of a serial rapist you must use the mantra that “NO means Yes”, you will keep phoning the potential candidate to confirm they are ready to start the soul less factory job that will most likely trigger depression in said candidate and see them kneeling down with a bin liner over them on some train track in a year or two but in the meantime you can cream the 50% commission. Win!

4. Remember Recruitment is less about substance more about show, dress up smart and talk confidently, most of the morons coming in for temp work don’t know shit when it comes to Umbrella company and P.A.Y.E tax solutions, they are just shit munchers, tell em anything they will believe it if you do it with confidence, remember rule number 1 ( see above).

5. Female recruitment consultants will not be taken seriously unless their vehicle choice is anything other than a ‘Mini’ no female recruitment consultant is worth her salt if she is  driving anything other than a mini.

6. Remember having a soul doesn’t pay the bills or pay for the Sambucas you will be downing after work at Chico’s, its ok to acknowledge the feelings exist such as guilt and shame just as long as you admonish them, the Sambucas will help and looking out the window at the mini will help to.

7. Remember that people are money, never forget how important that shit muncher is to you whose outside now filling in that 15 page application form you insist on them completing, don’t think of them as people though this is their Auschwitz and you are camp leader, once enrolled be sure to forget them unless of course they are late for work then see rule 3.       

8. Never accept liability or blame in fact this isn’t something that can be taught if you are in recruitment its probably that key character fault that has led you into the career, use it like ‘The Force’, where applicable remember to hide any incriminating evidence such as emails, Cv’s, voicemails.    

    

Follow @godstodolist