Being really really FAT makes you happy! Saturday, 6 October 2012


Being thin isn’t as much fun as you might think, yes you can eat all the good things in life but if you’re to thin and cant put on weight you look gaunt and frighten children on the way to school, you’re affectionately known as the bogey man.

From the thin man we can move on to a little bit of a belly, most people with a few extra pounds round the midriff think they are a bit chunky, then you move up a level to those a bit bigger they are infact ‘Chunky’ but think they are fat, then the next level up is fat people they think they are obese, then the next level up is obese people they think they are morbidly obese, then the biggest women who use chicken drumsticks to pick their teeth with just think they are SUPER MODELS!

They are the only happy people on a night out, they are the ones hanging out of the limousines shouting and screaming, they are the ones looking in the nightclub mirrors and giving the bar man fuck me eyes whilst putting stiletto size puncture wounds into the dance floor as they shake that ass.Happiness is truly being fatter than anyone else.

Were having a baby aren’t we amazing! Wednesday, 3 October 2012

I find people that are having a baby a bit annoying, I know politically its incorrect of me but I don’t understand the fuss, I think it’s the way it takes drab Deborah in reception to a new found level of popularity in the office albeit for the next 9 months that makes me feel uncomfortable, because before she started telling all and sundry about the god like miracle she was just boring Debs the oxygen thief who ate rivitas.

Im always intrigued by the woman’s other half the stud that fertilized her, her Dave or Gary, he sounds like a proper bloke the sort that could get a girl pregnant just by sharing her toothbrush, the kind of bloke that Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels was based on, usually his just some chauvinistic dickhead who works out of a van or a building site, great they’ve managed to produce something that will either be boring or a dickhead or both that will haunt the earth for next 78 years in the meantime im supposed to be happy for them.

I wouldn’t have a problem if this was a dying planet and its atmosphere prevented us as a race to conceive and have children thereby guaranteeing the extinction of the human race…but wait there’s hope Gary and Debs have managed the impossible, then I would congratulate them and think it’s a miracle but seeing as we have perfect breeding conditions here on earth I can’t see how the news is amazing unless news broke that the conception was anything but orthodox and Gary had sat on the arm chair and Debs was on the sofa and Gary wanked himself off and shot his load onto and up Debs fanny from about 10 feet away from each other and made her pregnant that way, I would agree that’s quite amazing but just having a baby like everyone else is not amazing.  

I See Dead People Sunday, 30 September 2012

I see dead people, 'couples' that walk around like regular people, I feel like troubled nine-year-old ‘Cole Sear’ with Bruce Willis as my chaperone, I see them everywhere, pushing prams, driving faceless characterless vehicles like Renault Scenic’s with the halfords grey roof luggage carrier, wandering round town they all have the same haunted look about them.

I want to communicate with them find our their unfortunate back-story that led them to passing over. Sometimes it happens when I bump into someone I once knew and they communicate with me, the gaunt pale faces, arms outstretched, mouth a gap, telling me about the young children they have now, I see the eyes are gone and their a ghostly figure grasping for anything mutually interesting they can say, but they can never find the words, its always awkward, they know they are no longer in the land of the living, its breaks my heart when they reveal their off to Homebase, I have a gift or burden depending on your viewpoint.


The Excess Baggage that is Gok Wan Friday, 28 September 2012



Hello My Darling

Gok Wan isn’t satisfied at making fat unattractive women  strip in front of a mirror and telling them they are FIT, Goks gay of course they are fit to him because the women quite often look like overweight long distance lorry drivers.

Gok recently used his Chinese roots to lend his hand to Chinese cookery show because we simply haven’t got enough celebrity cookery shows, I saw one episode with his dad in the family kitchen, Gok basically chopped up some spring onions then fingered a duck, his dads face suggested he had seen it all before and much worse, I started to think Gok could do this and reinvent himself, but then his gone back to his roots, gay men can’t live a quiet life his put down the duck arse and his now the host of a tacky dating show called ‘Baggage’. 
Gok has some kind of low level tourettes going on as each contestant is constantly referred to as “My Darling”, his opening line to any woman on the show is that she looks “delicious” the only time a woman can seriously look delicious to Gok must be when shes wearing a 12” strap on cock made of chocolate.

Every Cunt Wants To Be Famous


Whats happened to people, everybody feels they should be famous, where did this notion come from? I blame it on TV shows like X-factor and The Voice since they have been on Ive noticed people clambering for popularity status, its not exclusive to trying to be on TV people are trying their hardest to be mega popular on Facebook and Twitter, I have worked out how to do it on Facebook you simply have to 'LOL' or 'Like' anything anyone says, I briefly thought about it myself in a moment of weakness then I pulled back from the keyboard and told myself enough is enough I will not like the comment "I am Hungry" or "Just woke up!"


When I watch the X-factor I can say I enjoy the really talented ones but I can't watch the ones that have no talent as its all a ruse for entertainment, I find it hard when a female singer struts about the stage like one of them pussycat dolls howling into the microphone how has this person arrived here, why at any point in time did someone not say " Sheila love don't take this the wrong way but you look and sing like a constipated HGV lorry driver ... try something else sweetheart!" it would have saved her the national humilation and me having to have watched it, and even though I have tried you simply can't un-see things!

Im also baffled by and its usually the females, singing in an American accent but when they stop singing they talk like a thick geordie, then theres always some cock end whose a ladies man pretending his humble and just trying to do it for his little kid, bollocks whose he kidding when his alone his wanking himself off to his own image looking back at himself from a full length hotel mirror and popping a finger up his own arse for good measure his doing it for the sex and money, he aint no saint didnt you spot the tattoos all up his arm, his cocky swagger on stage?

What about the 17yr old boys who come out and try and chat Tulisa up, I can't tell you how many times ive spat at the screen in these kids faces, one lad was so cringy with orange hair and freckles singing face to face at Tulisa I actually started googling for Manchester hitmen on Googles deep search facility, I can get a loan from Wonga.com and pay it back at 1000000% APR worth it though one less little shit on earth thinking his gods gift!

The shows not complete without someone whose been living rough or ran away from home but by chance found out they could sing and play a guitar, its an amazing thing to discover I had a similar experince but on a much smaller scale when I ran away from home, having lived in a wet wooded forest for 3 days and sucumming to eating insects out of starvation I discovered I had a £5 note in my inside coat pocket, I could eat again. 

No I just can't watch the idiots anymore Id sooner watch a Boeing 747 crash into the sea than that, obviously I wouldn't really want to watch a 747 crash but I used that as an analogy, I would hire and personally fly a two seater chipmunk at the landing gear of a 747 if it had Frankie Cockozza on it, it would be worth the sacrifice to mankind.

When I watch X-factor and they show the people outside in the holding pens queueing up a little bit of me turns Teutonic and think if only they had been around during WWII the outcome would have been much more to my liking, instead were forced to watch the cocky no hopers muscle their way onto our 40" flat screens of a Saturday night, I and you are being brainwashed if you don't think so count how many times they put one of those crappy upbeat bedding tracks to a VT of a contestant.

The world doesn't need any more Frankie Cockozzas!
  

Peter Andre may have been cryogenically frozen Wednesday, 17 August 2011



Peter Andre first visited these shores in 95’, he came bearing gifts, and Peter’s gift to us was the single ‘Mysterious Girl’, yes I know it’s like opening a Christmas present and finding a dead pet.

Then sometime in1998 he and his chip fat hair and original Greek nose departed these shores, he just simply disappeared and wasn’t seen again until a few years ago in the Australian jungle hunting and chasing the money, but caught the booby price……Jordan!

Peter hasn’t changed at all since the early days the only thing that has and does change is his haircuts and the amount of lardy arse brothers he has on the payroll….oh and that Greek nose had to go when it refused to let him sing through it anymore, it was replaced with a more agreeable one, one that would let every note flow through it instead of his mouth

Now after being treated like a dog with fleas by Katie Price his managed to work his way back into the nations heart and has given us ‘Peter Andre Here 2 Help’, yes his at it again with the gifts and just like back in 95’ it stinks like a dead pet.

Im holding out for an American Cryogenics company to admit that there was a meltdown due to power grid failure somewhere in Texas and Peter effectively escaped and isn’t due to be released until 2050, I want albeit a harmless face stuck in the 90’s put back in the freezer and any other Andre projects put on ice, as long as it’s not ‘Dancing on Ice’!

Things you shouldn’t do or shouldn’t happen (Part 4) Monday, 15 August 2011




Car drivers are a funny lot, ok first thing you shouldn’t do is leave your hand hanging out your windows as you drive, your trying to tell anyone with the gift of sight that your bad to the bone, a bad boy, you shouldn’t be doing it in a Escort from the early 90’s but it’s the economic climate that’s prevented you from your destiny, the 1969 cherry red mustang will have to wait…………..You are a knob you are not the Fonz!

You should never find yourself in a traffic jam and begin to hand tap your roof to whigfield ‘Saturday night’, its doesn’t matter what car your in with each tap you are sending out morse code to the rest of us that spells….I….M…..A….C….U….N…T.. A…N….D…..M…Y….W….I….L…..L…Y….I…..S…..A…..J…..O…..K…..E!

Thirdly arriving at a packed petrol station like Marty arriving back from the future and disembarking like everyone should applaud is your first failing, sliding the unleaded nozzle into your willing vehicles petrol tank and proceeding to lean your whole 17 stone body weight upon the vehicle like your Mr Cool puts you in a league of your own, if your 50 wearing chino shorts and a £15 polo shirt the only league your in is a pub dart team.

Driving a Nissan…WHATEVER as long as its from the 90’s and Black has to be Black and has a cherry bomb exhaust tells everyone a little a bit about you already, arriving at a petrol station tailgating a normal driver and playing some hip hop with your bass and treble to the max tells us all a little bit more about you, putting in £5 of petrol tells me everything I already knew…….you and your car are a joke, I cant help but laugh as I follow your chav arse into pay.