Nordic Thunder Sunday, 31 July 2011

Ive been wondering what is a bigger waste of time this blog or a man dressed in a leather tunic pretending to play a imaginary guitar.

Air Guitar is where you stand and play a imaginary guitar to some cool rock track, flicking your long damp hair, fingering the fret board at breakneck speed to an equally sad crowd of onlookers who are dazzled by your ….er …. brilliance on that invisible guitar.

I don’t know how this past time ever got out the bedroom and in some circles considered cool, I pray we don’t get Air Wanking.   

The Us Air Guitar championships took place recently and Nordic Thunder or Justin Howard as he known in his hometown was crowned the champion. To be fair Ive seen  a drunk Scot act exactly the same way in Leicester square as a way of disgust at being ejected from some fancy London bar, he did shout ‘Big man’ a few times during his set, and for an encore threw up but he was the real deal!

There’s nothing cool about Air Guitar, its ridiculous.

  

Judge for yourself!

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Charles Bronson does ‘ART ATTACK’. Friday, 22 July 2011

Charles Bronson is the sort of person/vehicle a child would draw if they were asked to draw something that could pull a Tyrannosaurus Rex’s head off with its bare hands.

Talking of drawing ‘The Mirror’ newspaper reports that Britain’s most dangerous inmate recently went mental and took on nine officers from the prisons ‘Tornado’ response team after having his crayons confiscated.

The Tornado team deployed nine well trained officers with a ‘Death Wish’, decked out in head to toe body armour, armed with nine batons and a vat of pepper spray …….., Charles Bronson turned up to the battle naked… like you do, armed only with a tub of Utterly Butterly and enough hate to fill a Al-Qaeda suggestion box .

A prison officer on routine morning patrol alerted staff of his discovery, he said: “ I was doing my normal patrol and thought I could smell hot butter, my stomach growled, I thought that’s funny the canteens been closed for hours , I peered into the gym where the smell was emanating from, I was greeted by a naked Charles Bronson bending over a dumb dell set applying what looked like the last of a tub of Utterly Butterly to his  buttocks, my stomach stopped growling and started turning as I knew we were in for a long lunch with plenty of knuckle sandwiches on the menu.

The battle reportedly lasted five hours, ‘The Mirror’ reported that Bronson is thought to have been protesting about a ban on receiving the materials he needs to do his art, the proceeds of his art help pay for his fees for his ongoing legal appeal, which will be ongoing a little bit more now.

In keeping with the TV trend for all things cookery Ive made a recipe that encapsulates the saga.

Here’s how to make a Buttery Bronson, be warned it’s potent and liable to take your mouth off:-

Ingredients:-

Take 120kg of notorious incarcerated prison hard man,

add 1 life sentence,

extract all art materials,

allow to simmer then just add butter.

Serving suggestions:-

Decorate gym with 9 or so guests armed for battle

Place a boiling Buttery Bronson amongst them.

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Emmerdales Andy Sugden’s Guns are useless! Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Whats going on in Emmerdale, whats all the fuss about the blank canvas ‘Andy Sugden’?

The man that could start a row in a phone box, Oh I see his arms have exploded but you never see him working out on’t farm, his either shovelling shit, washing his hands in’t basin with overalls on , or down ‘Woolpack’ being an annoying little turd who punches way above his weight with the ladies…...guns or no guns! 

How does he get guns like that anyway, is he up the farm working out swinging from beams and punch dancing to the sounds of footloose pausing only to swig a bottle of beer in his dungarees, or as I suspect injecting himself full of banned EU cow steroids and snorting offal whilst wanking himself off in front of a full length mirror before choking cows to death in a vice like headlock, licking himself and admiring his guns in the process.

There needs to be some balance and realism injected into Andy Sugden’s character, I wont be happy until his alone in a field and takes it upon himself to remove the blockage from the shrub grinder and looses both arms in doing so, I then want to see him in the Woolpack sipping beer through a curly silly straw.

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Swagger Jagger makes me want to cross the central reservation and take out innocent motorists

Swagger Jagger the new song by the lip curling gurner Cher Lloyd, makes me want to end life, mine, yours, anybody’s I just want the sound omitting from the pop wannabe to stop.

When I first saw Cher Lloyd I was astounded at how similar she looked to Cheryl Cole, then they did a close up and I saw the similarity could be likened to…. say how The Olympics and the Paralympics are similar.

Cher Lloyd does have talent but its tainted with cockiness, some would pass it off as exuberance of youth, or as she’s female than a Diva, its not though she’s just cocky and nothing kills a raging stiffy quicker than a young woman thinking she’s the shit, except perhaps a woman that has just revealed a pair of tattooed hairy bollocks after you’ve spent the best part of the evening chatting her up, not to mention the £20 of sambucas you spent on the lying shemale.

Cher Lloyds new song is a manufactured piece of pop shit, and the poor girl is the face of this runaway vehicle, im willing to meet her head on and cross reservations if it puts a stop to her song and me having to hear it again.

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Do you remember when Richard Hammond’s head was a boiled egg and the earth was a giant spoon Tuesday, 19 July 2011

You may remember when Richard Hammond the pint sized Top Gear presenter strapped himself to a turbine jet engine with a steering wheel and drove it and himself into the Top Gear test track turf at 300 m.p.h, he managed to do that in a straight line, thank fuck he wasn’t behind the controls of a light aircraft, one 9/11 is enough.  

He was airlifted to hospital and for a moment it looked touch and go that Top Gear would have two vegetables on their hands working along side James May.

Ive begun to notice that his beginning to show outward symptoms of the injury, his growing his hair long which makes him look like a psychiatric out patient on day release.

Not to mention the mind numbingly boring and given the nature of his accident the ironically titled “Total Wipeout” which he commentates on.

Richard also featured in the ‘Morrisons’ advert, but who hasn’t, his seen walking across an empty field pushing a trolley which apparently required no acting at all, all that was required was a simple telephone call from his wife alerting the Tv executives and camera crew that Richard had left the house with a shopping trolley and was last seen heading for the hills to do some shopping, I applaud his management for cashing in.

Im still unsure if Richard Hammond is a cash hungry media type who will do anything for money or still coping with the after effects of his crash, I can forgive it all but not ‘Total Wipeout ‘,  I fear my complaint to Ofcom will be thrown out though as I suspect the target audience,are the brain dead!

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Car Boot Fairs where Gypo’s sell shit to Gypo’s Monday, 18 July 2011

Car Boot fairs are where you go to argue and barter with people with less teeth in their heads than eyes.

The obligatory shit car is filled with …er…..shit tat which eventually makes it way to a painter and decorator wallpaper pasting table. There’s nothing more soul destroying than seeing an old woman who’s still bearing the exuberance of her once lost youth by means of tasteless tattoo’s around her neck, arguing over the price of a wooden dildo in the middle of a Saturday afternoon.

Carboot sales are where people that should really be in counselling or doing community service frequent in a vain hope to bag a bargain, and deprive someone who clearly is already deprived of the only thing of worth they ever owned.

You see it in every other episode of Dickenson’s real deals, the tea reading gypsy with the French lalique bowl she found at a carboot sale for a quid, but Id rather see the poor ripping the poor off than some salmon trouser posh tit profiting from some old dears misfortune that’s just evil.

To describe a Carboot fair to someone whose never been is to say if you threw a fence around the perimeter of it all you’ve basically got a scene from ‘Escape from New York ’ with most of the characters in tow, your sure to meet someone called ‘Snake’ looking to sell you some shit.

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News of the World phone hacking is old news

Is anyone now interested in the phone hacking scandal, day after day, its BORING!

Like phone hacking is a new phenomena…. er… no phone hacking has been going on for decades, what about Diana gate or Robert Maxwell who decided to suck peoples pension pots dry, then anchored himself off the Canary Islands and drowned after attempting a worlds first by diving into the sea and trying to suck the ocean bed of its natural resources.

This follows true to reason that if you give too few people too much power it almost always leads to corruption, or in the late Michael Jackson’s case a 'Disney' like voice and insanity.

Im waiting for Simon Cowell to implode I want him to join forces with David Icke, the man that was a one time sports presenter and then told by God that he was the chosen one, a prophet and that a 'Sports Direct' turquoise tracksuit would mark his transition from one time sports presenter to messiah, a messiah that believes some people are lizard humans controlling the world, that’s one phone hack I would like to have eavesdropped on, you could forgive News of the World that one.

Now can we get back to what really matters and put Cheryl Cole back on the front page you shouldn't take a picture perfect girl who shits money and farts perfume off our frontpages, the spell may be broken otherwise.  

  

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