Nordic Thunder Sunday, 31 July 2011

Ive been wondering what is a bigger waste of time this blog or a man dressed in a leather tunic pretending to play a imaginary guitar.

Air Guitar is where you stand and play a imaginary guitar to some cool rock track, flicking your long damp hair, fingering the fret board at breakneck speed to an equally sad crowd of onlookers who are dazzled by your ….er …. brilliance on that invisible guitar.

I don’t know how this past time ever got out the bedroom and in some circles considered cool, I pray we don’t get Air Wanking.   

The Us Air Guitar championships took place recently and Nordic Thunder or Justin Howard as he known in his hometown was crowned the champion. To be fair Ive seen  a drunk Scot act exactly the same way in Leicester square as a way of disgust at being ejected from some fancy London bar, he did shout ‘Big man’ a few times during his set, and for an encore threw up but he was the real deal!

There’s nothing cool about Air Guitar, its ridiculous.

  

Judge for yourself!

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Charles Bronson does ‘ART ATTACK’. Friday, 22 July 2011

Charles Bronson is the sort of person/vehicle a child would draw if they were asked to draw something that could pull a Tyrannosaurus Rex’s head off with its bare hands.

Talking of drawing ‘The Mirror’ newspaper reports that Britain’s most dangerous inmate recently went mental and took on nine officers from the prisons ‘Tornado’ response team after having his crayons confiscated.

The Tornado team deployed nine well trained officers with a ‘Death Wish’, decked out in head to toe body armour, armed with nine batons and a vat of pepper spray …….., Charles Bronson turned up to the battle naked… like you do, armed only with a tub of Utterly Butterly and enough hate to fill a Al-Qaeda suggestion box .

A prison officer on routine morning patrol alerted staff of his discovery, he said: “ I was doing my normal patrol and thought I could smell hot butter, my stomach growled, I thought that’s funny the canteens been closed for hours , I peered into the gym where the smell was emanating from, I was greeted by a naked Charles Bronson bending over a dumb dell set applying what looked like the last of a tub of Utterly Butterly to his  buttocks, my stomach stopped growling and started turning as I knew we were in for a long lunch with plenty of knuckle sandwiches on the menu.

The battle reportedly lasted five hours, ‘The Mirror’ reported that Bronson is thought to have been protesting about a ban on receiving the materials he needs to do his art, the proceeds of his art help pay for his fees for his ongoing legal appeal, which will be ongoing a little bit more now.

In keeping with the TV trend for all things cookery Ive made a recipe that encapsulates the saga.

Here’s how to make a Buttery Bronson, be warned it’s potent and liable to take your mouth off:-

Ingredients:-

Take 120kg of notorious incarcerated prison hard man,

add 1 life sentence,

extract all art materials,

allow to simmer then just add butter.

Serving suggestions:-

Decorate gym with 9 or so guests armed for battle

Place a boiling Buttery Bronson amongst them.

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Emmerdales Andy Sugden’s Guns are useless! Wednesday, 20 July 2011

Whats going on in Emmerdale, whats all the fuss about the blank canvas ‘Andy Sugden’?

The man that could start a row in a phone box, Oh I see his arms have exploded but you never see him working out on’t farm, his either shovelling shit, washing his hands in’t basin with overalls on , or down ‘Woolpack’ being an annoying little turd who punches way above his weight with the ladies…...guns or no guns! 

How does he get guns like that anyway, is he up the farm working out swinging from beams and punch dancing to the sounds of footloose pausing only to swig a bottle of beer in his dungarees, or as I suspect injecting himself full of banned EU cow steroids and snorting offal whilst wanking himself off in front of a full length mirror before choking cows to death in a vice like headlock, licking himself and admiring his guns in the process.

There needs to be some balance and realism injected into Andy Sugden’s character, I wont be happy until his alone in a field and takes it upon himself to remove the blockage from the shrub grinder and looses both arms in doing so, I then want to see him in the Woolpack sipping beer through a curly silly straw.

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Swagger Jagger makes me want to cross the central reservation and take out innocent motorists

Swagger Jagger the new song by the lip curling gurner Cher Lloyd, makes me want to end life, mine, yours, anybody’s I just want the sound omitting from the pop wannabe to stop.

When I first saw Cher Lloyd I was astounded at how similar she looked to Cheryl Cole, then they did a close up and I saw the similarity could be likened to…. say how The Olympics and the Paralympics are similar.

Cher Lloyd does have talent but its tainted with cockiness, some would pass it off as exuberance of youth, or as she’s female than a Diva, its not though she’s just cocky and nothing kills a raging stiffy quicker than a young woman thinking she’s the shit, except perhaps a woman that has just revealed a pair of tattooed hairy bollocks after you’ve spent the best part of the evening chatting her up, not to mention the £20 of sambucas you spent on the lying shemale.

Cher Lloyds new song is a manufactured piece of pop shit, and the poor girl is the face of this runaway vehicle, im willing to meet her head on and cross reservations if it puts a stop to her song and me having to hear it again.

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Do you remember when Richard Hammond’s head was a boiled egg and the earth was a giant spoon Tuesday, 19 July 2011

You may remember when Richard Hammond the pint sized Top Gear presenter strapped himself to a turbine jet engine with a steering wheel and drove it and himself into the Top Gear test track turf at 300 m.p.h, he managed to do that in a straight line, thank fuck he wasn’t behind the controls of a light aircraft, one 9/11 is enough.  

He was airlifted to hospital and for a moment it looked touch and go that Top Gear would have two vegetables on their hands working along side James May.

Ive begun to notice that his beginning to show outward symptoms of the injury, his growing his hair long which makes him look like a psychiatric out patient on day release.

Not to mention the mind numbingly boring and given the nature of his accident the ironically titled “Total Wipeout” which he commentates on.

Richard also featured in the ‘Morrisons’ advert, but who hasn’t, his seen walking across an empty field pushing a trolley which apparently required no acting at all, all that was required was a simple telephone call from his wife alerting the Tv executives and camera crew that Richard had left the house with a shopping trolley and was last seen heading for the hills to do some shopping, I applaud his management for cashing in.

Im still unsure if Richard Hammond is a cash hungry media type who will do anything for money or still coping with the after effects of his crash, I can forgive it all but not ‘Total Wipeout ‘,  I fear my complaint to Ofcom will be thrown out though as I suspect the target audience,are the brain dead!

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Car Boot Fairs where Gypo’s sell shit to Gypo’s Monday, 18 July 2011

Car Boot fairs are where you go to argue and barter with people with less teeth in their heads than eyes.

The obligatory shit car is filled with …er…..shit tat which eventually makes it way to a painter and decorator wallpaper pasting table. There’s nothing more soul destroying than seeing an old woman who’s still bearing the exuberance of her once lost youth by means of tasteless tattoo’s around her neck, arguing over the price of a wooden dildo in the middle of a Saturday afternoon.

Carboot sales are where people that should really be in counselling or doing community service frequent in a vain hope to bag a bargain, and deprive someone who clearly is already deprived of the only thing of worth they ever owned.

You see it in every other episode of Dickenson’s real deals, the tea reading gypsy with the French lalique bowl she found at a carboot sale for a quid, but Id rather see the poor ripping the poor off than some salmon trouser posh tit profiting from some old dears misfortune that’s just evil.

To describe a Carboot fair to someone whose never been is to say if you threw a fence around the perimeter of it all you’ve basically got a scene from ‘Escape from New York ’ with most of the characters in tow, your sure to meet someone called ‘Snake’ looking to sell you some shit.

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News of the World phone hacking is old news

Is anyone now interested in the phone hacking scandal, day after day, its BORING!

Like phone hacking is a new phenomena…. er… no phone hacking has been going on for decades, what about Diana gate or Robert Maxwell who decided to suck peoples pension pots dry, then anchored himself off the Canary Islands and drowned after attempting a worlds first by diving into the sea and trying to suck the ocean bed of its natural resources.

This follows true to reason that if you give too few people too much power it almost always leads to corruption, or in the late Michael Jackson’s case a 'Disney' like voice and insanity.

Im waiting for Simon Cowell to implode I want him to join forces with David Icke, the man that was a one time sports presenter and then told by God that he was the chosen one, a prophet and that a 'Sports Direct' turquoise tracksuit would mark his transition from one time sports presenter to messiah, a messiah that believes some people are lizard humans controlling the world, that’s one phone hack I would like to have eavesdropped on, you could forgive News of the World that one.

Now can we get back to what really matters and put Cheryl Cole back on the front page you shouldn't take a picture perfect girl who shits money and farts perfume off our frontpages, the spell may be broken otherwise.  

  

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Things you shouldn’t do or shouldn’t happen (Part 2) Thursday, 14 July 2011

White middle class village Ghetto Boys

Talking like you’re a urban black yoof off a Hackney council block when you live with mum and dad in a countryside £250k detached abode renders you a joke and the only one who doesn’t get it is you bruv!

 If you happen to be black and young and from an inner city council block its fine by me, it’s cultural and brought about by your environment in which you live in, day in day out.

How can you take the idiot seriously when he lives in a village where the average age is eighty and the main vehicle of choice is a motorized chair, you need to “shut the fuck up couz”, I don’t care if you have a bling bling Argos earring and a Henley t-shirt, you aint black, even when you suck your teeth at me with your hood up I still know your not black, even when you use the word ‘Ting’ im still on to you, even when you pull rap star poses whilst ‘tinking over da McDonalds menu choice” I know you’re a white boy whose mum picks up and washes his soiled pants, “do you get me blood… yeah?”

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Things you shouldn’t do or shouldn’t happen (Part 1)

Old women driving Citroen Saxo’s.

The Citroen Saxo is synonymously linked with young pretty people and being compared to a tardis whisking young people from this world to the afterlife usually in the early hours of the morning on a wet road.

There’s nothing worse than stalk…..er…following a blond bob home that you’ve spotted through your Texaco mirror aviators at the wheel of a Citroen Saxo from a distance.

Private eye Jim Rockford (Rockford files) would be proud as you maintain the golden rule of following three car lengths behind your target whilst juggling with a Starbucks coffee as you lurch round corners, what happens next will set you up to be both bitterly disappointed and at least a tenner down in petrol, not to mention the red light fines that are winging their way to your front door as you speed through them to keep on her tail.

When you both pull up outside what must be her parents home, her clutching her house keys, you clutching your cock in anticipation, your heart and faith in mankind go out the window when she turns round and instead of a twenty one year old ‘Babestation’ plaything you find you’ve been stalking a sixty plus pensioner who’s more adapt to sucking on werther’s originals than sucking on knobs……It’s bloody wrong ! 

     

       

  

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Cowboy builders put unrealistic price on Dominic Littlewood’s head Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Telly’s Dominic Littlewood  has gone into hiding since the news broke that a syndicate of cowboy builders have put a contract out on his head.

Dominic Littlewood’s spokesperson said :" Dominic’s very brave……….with a camera crew behind him that is, however this news has come as a bit of a surprise to both Dominic and I as we thought his public persona was that of a cheeky chappie doing good work in the community, turns out that hasn’t been translated through the lens and by all accounts his come across as a mouthy short arse who likes nothing more than to goad and be righteous".

Dominic has recently been described as what the late Kojaks penis would have been if it could have talked.

It’s known some of the BBC ‘Cowboy builders’ production team call him ‘Little Kojack’ his taken to sucking a lollipop and walking around the BBC corridors winking and quoting “Who loves ya baby” no ones had the heart to tell him the nickname is in reference to his likeness to Kojack’s willy and not the detective himself.

BBC Cowboy Builders producer said " If I had a pound for every time someone had called him a smug face cunt,  I wouldn’t have to work with the gobby shite again ".   

BBC Head of entertainment said “It’s true we have been tipped off that a price has been put on Dominic’s head ,we heard it was set at five thousand pounds and that the job would be done by next week, we now know its gone up to seventeen thousand as they have stumbled upon a few unforeseen problems.

The syndicate of cowboy builders seem to be stalling and now claim it can’t be done yet as the weather recently has been changeable but promised it will be any day now as they have something ‘concrete in the pipeline’, they have stopped answering our calls and emails, true to form they are reliably unreliable, were onto them and are preparing to send Dominic out to expose them.”

   

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Equal opportunities are still not allowing straight men to become Interior Designers Friday, 8 July 2011

Straight men are still being muscled out of Interior Design jobs by their homosexual counterparts.

Its not known if pop culture shows like 60 minute makeover or 'Justin & Colin 'have influenced the job field.

   

A recent survey suggested heterosexual men didn’t think they could be an Interior Designer unless they could master effortlessly over exaggerated hand movements and be able to produce a high pitch scream or laugh at under pressure workmen.

It’s questionable if straight men can really cut the mustard in this field when it was discovered a straight man was masquerading as a gay interior designer, he was discovered when upon the ‘reveal’ there was no sign of red flock wallpaper or black chandeliers.

The unlucky couple from Chigwell, Essex said “we didn’t expect magnolia and Ikea furniture”,.

The workman on site said “We suspected something was up when the guy passed up every opportunity to involve sexual innuendo's when we had our mid morning sausage butties, a real Interior Designer would rather woodchip the whole living room then pass that up.”

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Flash Mob Gangbang Wednesday, 6 July 2011

A group of dwarfs and one woman gathered in a Brighton NCP underground car park and proceeded to take part in an impromptu flash mob gangbang today,

‘Flash mob’ craze started in the states and takes a group of people gathered in a public place performing something unusual together in a short space of time and then dispersing as if nothing happened”.

A witness said I was walking back to my car with my wife when a Vw Transporter van pulled up, I saw a six foot woman dressed as snow white and seven little dwarfs disembark, I thought they were about to hand out flyers for an upcoming stage show or something but what followed was shocking and graphic and it left my wife mumbling and gagging on her words which is how I will remember Snow white surrounded by dwarfs.

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EastEnders punchbag Natalie Cassidy Fights Back….. OK!

Violence against a woman is deplorable even against Natalie Cassidy.

Natalie Cassidy or Sonia from EastEnders as I know her is all over the media spouting on about the domestic violence she recently suffered, she was apparently crying and chain smoking throughout a recent interview with ‘The Mirror’ newspaper which coincidentally is exactly what I used to do whenever I saw her on the reality show ‘Natalie Cassidy:Becoming Mum’.

I don’t know what it is about Natalie but Ive begun punching the newspaper whenever I see her gurning back at me from the tabloids, Ive also adopted her former violent fiancé’s drinking habits whilst following her public break up as this quote from Natalie’s interview describes’ : “I asked him not to come home and drink. He ignored me and that ended up being the argument every night. He’d say he’d just have one glass and then finish the bottle.”

Its not clear whether or not the fiancé was being forced to watch EastEnders every evening if so then his actions would only mirror mine, I too drink excessively when its on and I to throw air punches at Natalie (Sonia) when she speaks.

I do lose sympathy for people that cash in though doing photo shoots and appearing in OK! Magazine off the back of it; it makes my blood boil Natalie…... where’s that newspaper!

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Planking the 2nd most embarrassing way to die

Planking is the most pointless craze amongst teenagers right now, it often requires a level of stupidity only teenagers can manifest on a whim that could see them one minute laughing and being filmed on a friends mobile ‘planking’ on a hotel balcony, and the next hurtling to instant death pulling all manner of air shapes, anything but planking in fact. 

The jury is still out whether or not it’s dignified to bury a dead planker face down, surely it’s the right thing to do in the circumstance, give the kid some dignity.

It’s got to be one of the most embarrassing ways to die, being remembered as a giggling plank of wood, its one step up from being found with your pants round your ankles with an orange stuffed mouth and homosexual paraphernalia all over the home made dungeon your eventually found in. 

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Jeremy Kyle’s a lying little bastard Friday, 1 July 2011

Jeremy Kyle’s breaking and making families on his show on a whim.

It turns out that his lie detector machine never actually worked and the results were whimsical depending on Jeremy’s gut feeling and the premium rate psychic hotline he relied on.

A production assistant said we discovered it didn’t work and approached Jeremy, he was very flippant and said “look at me….look at me ……the show will go on darling”, it was then we knew we had an ego maniac onboard.

It’s estimated that half of the predictions were inaccurate and there are now losers bringing up other losers children, ugly people still living with ugly people in unfaithful relationships.

When questioned about the allegations Jeremy said “The machine was bought off eBay and it transpires it didn’t work so what, I have a reliable psychic darling do you get me.”

After phoning the premium rate number and questioning her about her predictions to Jeremy the psychic confessed, “Look sweetheart  I don’t know nuffink, Im sixty seven with a mortgage and five gran kids I do this for a bit of spare cash, punters call I read a script that’s it.

ITV refused to comment other than to say we allocate a budget to the Kyle production team they are responsible for content and integrity.

When presented during filming on set with the the facts that the psychic was bogus Jeremy replied “Fuck you and your crew Im the daddy on this set” which threw further confusion onto a live paternity DNA test being carried out for a young inner city couple

Jeremy Kyle said he would take a lie detector test to prove he didn’t know that his actions were in anyway wrong or immoral but refused to take a third party independent lie detector test.

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