I See Dead People Sunday, 30 September 2012

I see dead people, 'couples' that walk around like regular people, I feel like troubled nine-year-old ‘Cole Sear’ with Bruce Willis as my chaperone, I see them everywhere, pushing prams, driving faceless characterless vehicles like Renault Scenic’s with the halfords grey roof luggage carrier, wandering round town they all have the same haunted look about them.

I want to communicate with them find our their unfortunate back-story that led them to passing over. Sometimes it happens when I bump into someone I once knew and they communicate with me, the gaunt pale faces, arms outstretched, mouth a gap, telling me about the young children they have now, I see the eyes are gone and their a ghostly figure grasping for anything mutually interesting they can say, but they can never find the words, its always awkward, they know they are no longer in the land of the living, its breaks my heart when they reveal their off to Homebase, I have a gift or burden depending on your viewpoint.


The Excess Baggage that is Gok Wan Friday, 28 September 2012



Hello My Darling

Gok Wan isn’t satisfied at making fat unattractive women  strip in front of a mirror and telling them they are FIT, Goks gay of course they are fit to him because the women quite often look like overweight long distance lorry drivers.

Gok recently used his Chinese roots to lend his hand to Chinese cookery show because we simply haven’t got enough celebrity cookery shows, I saw one episode with his dad in the family kitchen, Gok basically chopped up some spring onions then fingered a duck, his dads face suggested he had seen it all before and much worse, I started to think Gok could do this and reinvent himself, but then his gone back to his roots, gay men can’t live a quiet life his put down the duck arse and his now the host of a tacky dating show called ‘Baggage’. 
Gok has some kind of low level tourettes going on as each contestant is constantly referred to as “My Darling”, his opening line to any woman on the show is that she looks “delicious” the only time a woman can seriously look delicious to Gok must be when shes wearing a 12” strap on cock made of chocolate.

Every Cunt Wants To Be Famous


Whats happened to people, everybody feels they should be famous, where did this notion come from? I blame it on TV shows like X-factor and The Voice since they have been on Ive noticed people clambering for popularity status, its not exclusive to trying to be on TV people are trying their hardest to be mega popular on Facebook and Twitter, I have worked out how to do it on Facebook you simply have to 'LOL' or 'Like' anything anyone says, I briefly thought about it myself in a moment of weakness then I pulled back from the keyboard and told myself enough is enough I will not like the comment "I am Hungry" or "Just woke up!"


When I watch the X-factor I can say I enjoy the really talented ones but I can't watch the ones that have no talent as its all a ruse for entertainment, I find it hard when a female singer struts about the stage like one of them pussycat dolls howling into the microphone how has this person arrived here, why at any point in time did someone not say " Sheila love don't take this the wrong way but you look and sing like a constipated HGV lorry driver ... try something else sweetheart!" it would have saved her the national humilation and me having to have watched it, and even though I have tried you simply can't un-see things!

Im also baffled by and its usually the females, singing in an American accent but when they stop singing they talk like a thick geordie, then theres always some cock end whose a ladies man pretending his humble and just trying to do it for his little kid, bollocks whose he kidding when his alone his wanking himself off to his own image looking back at himself from a full length hotel mirror and popping a finger up his own arse for good measure his doing it for the sex and money, he aint no saint didnt you spot the tattoos all up his arm, his cocky swagger on stage?

What about the 17yr old boys who come out and try and chat Tulisa up, I can't tell you how many times ive spat at the screen in these kids faces, one lad was so cringy with orange hair and freckles singing face to face at Tulisa I actually started googling for Manchester hitmen on Googles deep search facility, I can get a loan from Wonga.com and pay it back at 1000000% APR worth it though one less little shit on earth thinking his gods gift!

The shows not complete without someone whose been living rough or ran away from home but by chance found out they could sing and play a guitar, its an amazing thing to discover I had a similar experince but on a much smaller scale when I ran away from home, having lived in a wet wooded forest for 3 days and sucumming to eating insects out of starvation I discovered I had a £5 note in my inside coat pocket, I could eat again. 

No I just can't watch the idiots anymore Id sooner watch a Boeing 747 crash into the sea than that, obviously I wouldn't really want to watch a 747 crash but I used that as an analogy, I would hire and personally fly a two seater chipmunk at the landing gear of a 747 if it had Frankie Cockozza on it, it would be worth the sacrifice to mankind.

When I watch X-factor and they show the people outside in the holding pens queueing up a little bit of me turns Teutonic and think if only they had been around during WWII the outcome would have been much more to my liking, instead were forced to watch the cocky no hopers muscle their way onto our 40" flat screens of a Saturday night, I and you are being brainwashed if you don't think so count how many times they put one of those crappy upbeat bedding tracks to a VT of a contestant.

The world doesn't need any more Frankie Cockozzas!