Vernon Kaye Makes Me Suicidal Tuesday, 25 December 2012

Vernon Kaye is leaving Radio One, his weekend slot that I never listened to except once as the only time I did I was sat at a level crossing waiting for the train to pass when I decided out of boredom to switch on, yes it was a Saturday and no I didn't know the overly hyper mouthed dimwit would talk about Boltons away fixture or be all loud and squeaky and overly cheerful and chummy to callers to the show.

The show made me feel awkward like overhearing your mum and her new black boyfriend in the next room going at it hammer and tongs, I would have preferred that to what anything he says, I just wanted to cover my ears and sing "la la la la la", but when I stopped doing that mainly because the motorist opposite me at the barrier had stopped talking on his mobile phone and was watching me with mouth agap I had to continue listening to Vernon forget his new best friends name who had rang in and was just as excited as Vernon which made me cringe and start choking myself on my seat belt strap, the last straw was when I felt the compelling need to just drive through the barrier and punch the radio at the same time, he practically killed me.

I cant watch him on telly neither, his rubber face makes my hands and feet clench into fists why my feet clench into fists is a mystery except to say it is a direct link to the rage within me it never happens when I see or hear anyone else on tv.

He has a way of communicating with the masses who have a low IQ theres no depth to the man and simpletons can relate to that.

   http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=IoW0gvq0FmY

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Im a celebrity cockroach exclusive Tuesday, 13 November 2012

I know exactly what those poor cockroaches must be feeling right now if they are alive and not stamped to death after a task by bob and his team.

Im talking about being so close to Helen Flanagan’s minge and then having her scream ‘im a celebrity get me out of here’  just ten seconds after she went into the box,  it’s a reflection of life itself how much time do men get to impress a good looking woman, we have the same goal as a cockroach really, which is simply to access a woman's knickers without her screaming!!

In my experience Helen is normal its usually about 10 seconds before any attractive woman I have been introduced to starts screaming, my approach to a unsuspecting woman is similar to the cockroaches in ‘Im a Celebrity’ only im not thrown at them by an Australian no Im one of hundreds trying to get in her knickers on a Saturday night, unlike the cockroach im much more subtle I don’t just make a beeline for the minge area I go through the socially accepted preliminaries of offering her a drink, none the less they usually scream and are whisked away by burly men.

Nadine displayed the typical middle aged woman’s response to a cockroach having a sniff round her minge that is simply that they had a good 5 minutes to impress, just like life, are men just upright cockroaches?

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The key ingredients to becoming a Recruitment Consultant Sunday, 4 November 2012

1. You must be able to bare face lie, im not talking about little white lies, im like being able to point at the moon and with all seriousness tell people that it is infact the Sun.

2. You must LOVE the sound of your own voice you should be able to talk excitedly about any mundane minimum wage role its not important or relevant if the candidate is a good fit for the role, what’s more important is do they have a 5 year checkable history and no impending convictions.

3. Borrowing the ethos of a serial rapist you must use the mantra that “NO means Yes”, you will keep phoning the potential candidate to confirm they are ready to start the soul less factory job that will most likely trigger depression in said candidate and see them kneeling down with a bin liner over them on some train track in a year or two but in the meantime you can cream the 50% commission. Win!

4. Remember Recruitment is less about substance more about show, dress up smart and talk confidently, most of the morons coming in for temp work don’t know shit when it comes to Umbrella company and P.A.Y.E tax solutions, they are just shit munchers, tell em anything they will believe it if you do it with confidence, remember rule number 1 ( see above).

5. Female recruitment consultants will not be taken seriously unless their vehicle choice is anything other than a ‘Mini’ no female recruitment consultant is worth her salt if she is  driving anything other than a mini.

6. Remember having a soul doesn’t pay the bills or pay for the Sambucas you will be downing after work at Chico’s, its ok to acknowledge the feelings exist such as guilt and shame just as long as you admonish them, the Sambucas will help and looking out the window at the mini will help to.

7. Remember that people are money, never forget how important that shit muncher is to you whose outside now filling in that 15 page application form you insist on them completing, don’t think of them as people though this is their Auschwitz and you are camp leader, once enrolled be sure to forget them unless of course they are late for work then see rule 3.       

8. Never accept liability or blame in fact this isn’t something that can be taught if you are in recruitment its probably that key character fault that has led you into the career, use it like ‘The Force’, where applicable remember to hide any incriminating evidence such as emails, Cv’s, voicemails.    

    

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One Jimmy Saville fancy dress costume FOR SALE

Who knew for all these years ive been perfecting the voice of a Paedophile, even now I can't resist saying the catchphrase, " Jingle jingle jewellery jewellery, weve ad a letter in it writes...Dear Jimmy could ya fix it for me...."

I was brilliant at it but now I just sound like im grooming people and that unsettles me and to be honest you can understand in this present climate that the head of Burgess Hill School for Girls took a dim view of it at the interview for the available post of Grounds keeper it was an icebreaker that backfired, I blame it on nerves and years of perfecting the life like impression that once captured admiring glances from all around me, now it gets me followed with the threat of violence and asked to leave school premises post haste.  


 

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Why do bloggers blog?

I blog because shouting at the telly and finger pointing at some celebrity in the newspaper just make me think im talking to myself …which of course I am and judging by the lack of comments on this site I still am but I can’t prove that so I am at ease that there are millions of you just reading my stuff and watching me like a peeping Tom.

I am curious why others blog though, whenever I click ‘next Blog’ I nearly always a get blog about cake decoration or the God Squad preaching, for the record I like a cake im partial to the coffee éclair and if God exists I reckon we’d be mates, I really want him to exist and when I die he can recall the time I shit myself on a plane from Orlando to UK having spent two weeks pretending to enjoy rollercoaster’s!

 I want him to laugh at how when myself and my flatmate were crossing the Atlantic at night we hit turbulence, at first I braved it out but found myself drinking my scotch and coke a lot faster than normal and what made matters worse was that I had a feeling we were all going to die and that my friend was totally oblivious to this fate that was worse that death, I say worse than death its death but it felt worse than death at the time.

I remember clearly speaking to God when the seat I was sitting in left my bum for about 2 seconds as it went with the aircraft my bum relocated itself in the seat with a thud when it caught up with it, meanwhile my friends face hadn’t changed, women and children were crying and the cabin crew were being ‘binged’ by passengers asking if we are going to die and to make matters worse I knew something nobody else knew except my flatmate, I had £200 worth of new designer clothes I had bought in my luggage, this is God punishing me we are certain to die he doesn’t want me to have the pleasure of wearing my new fancy clothes at a very reasonable price and to be the envy of my friends back in the uk as ENVY is a sin!

I shamefully asked God not to kill me yet as I really really really wanted to wear my new clothes, I took a lot of time picking those Nike trainers and Hilfiger sweater, and I had arrogantly binned my dirty old Adidas trainers that I had arrived in America with two weeks earlier, they were now languishing in the Hawaiian Economy Lodges hotel bin back in Orlando, I also didn’t fancy crashing in the dark in the middle of the transatlantic, I know that had we crashed I would have shamefully risked life and limb duck diving for my luggage and my clothes instead of saving passengers, If I did inadvertently save someone it would have been turned into a movie sequel of  Accidental Hero with Dustin Hoffman.

I like to think he heard my prayer over everybody else’s that night as 10 minutes later we were out of the woods and I breathed a sigh of relief my flatmate was still non the wiser.  

  

Ive kept this secret since the year 2000 this is what a blog is for, tell me your secrets if they are about cakes don’t bother?

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The Dogs Bollocks

Ive found myself watching ‘Dog The Bounty Hunter’ repeats and thought to myself why hasn’t anyone made a fragrance for Dog, he epitomizes everything a man should be, he is a modern day Tarzan in Cuban heel boots.

What I would give to have Dog call me ‘Bra’ and give me a ride in the SUV as he takes me in and share a cigarette with me. He is a proper man so much so that I saw him take his son Leyland on a fishing trip for his birthday, they were both topless and Leyland tried to hug his dad to say thanks but I could see Dog was uncomfortable with the closeness and made a point that at no time should their skin touch, Son or not that’s gay.

I have only ever doubted Dog once, in an episode which saw the team arrive on Honolulu’s Bronx estate, Dog sent Leyland to apprehend the criminal but his mates came out and as Leyland squirted cream or foam in their faces from his child like spray gun Dog made a run for the SUV that big boobs Beth was squeezed into, as Leyland took a kicking on the ground waiting for the eminent arrival of backup in the shape of Dog.

Dog had other ideas running away and screaming at Leyland to run and screaming at Beth to GO!, Seeing dog dive into the moving vehicle would have added to his air of masculinity had he not struggled to keep up with the vehicle and when Beth did brake for him to catch up he ended up upside down wedged face first in the footwell of the rear seats with his legs hanging out the car facing upwards towards the moon.

Despite that I can’t think of any place more manlier than Dogs jockstrap that thing should have dna extracted and pheromones and a team of L’Oreal scientists should synthetically recreate the odour and sell it to us as Dogs fragrance, ive already got the name for it an ad mans dream… The Dogs Bollocks!

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Being really really FAT makes you happy! Saturday, 6 October 2012

Being thin isn’t as much fun as you might think, yes you can eat all the good things in life but if you’re to thin and cant put on weight you look gaunt and frighten children on the way to school, you’re affectionately known as the bogey man.

From the thin man we can move on to a little bit of a belly, most people with a few extra pounds round the midriff think they are a bit chunky, then you move up a level to those a bit bigger they are infact ‘Chunky’ but think they are fat, then the next level up is fat people they think they are obese, then the next level up is obese people they think they are morbidly obese, then the biggest women who use chicken drumsticks to pick their teeth with just think they are SUPER MODELS!

They are the only happy people on a night out, they are the ones hanging out of the limousines shouting and screaming, they are the ones looking in the nightclub mirrors and giving the bar man fuck me eyes whilst putting stiletto size puncture wounds into the dance floor as they shake that ass.Happiness is truly being fatter than anyone else.

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Were having a baby aren’t we amazing! Wednesday, 3 October 2012

I find people that are having a baby a bit annoying, I know politically its incorrect of me but I don’t understand the fuss, I think it’s the way it takes drab Deborah in reception to a new found level of popularity in the office albeit for the next 9 months that makes me feel uncomfortable, because before she started telling all and sundry about the god like miracle she was just boring Debs the oxygen thief who ate rivitas.

Im always intrigued by the woman’s other half the stud that fertilized her, her Dave or Gary, he sounds like a proper bloke the sort that could get a girl pregnant just by sharing her toothbrush, the kind of bloke that Lock Stock and Two Smoking Barrels was based on, usually his just some chauvinistic dickhead who works out of a van or a building site, great they’ve managed to produce something that will either be boring or a dickhead or both that will haunt the earth for next 78 years in the meantime im supposed to be happy for them.

I wouldn’t have a problem if this was a dying planet and its atmosphere prevented us as a race to conceive and have children thereby guaranteeing the extinction of the human race…but wait there’s hope Gary and Debs have managed the impossible, then I would congratulate them and think it’s a miracle but seeing as we have perfect breeding conditions here on earth I can’t see how the news is amazing unless news broke that the conception was anything but orthodox and Gary had sat on the arm chair and Debs was on the sofa and Gary wanked himself off and shot his load onto and up Debs fanny from about 10 feet away from each other and made her pregnant that way, I would agree that’s quite amazing but just having a baby like everyone else is not amazing.  

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I See Dead People Sunday, 30 September 2012

I see dead people, 'couples' that walk around like regular people, I feel like troubled nine-year-old ‘Cole Sear’ with Bruce Willis as my chaperone, I see them everywhere, pushing prams, driving faceless characterless vehicles like Renault Scenic’s with the halfords grey roof luggage carrier, wandering round town they all have the same haunted look about them.

I want to communicate with them find our their unfortunate back-story that led them to passing over. Sometimes it happens when I bump into someone I once knew and they communicate with me, the gaunt pale faces, arms outstretched, mouth a gap, telling me about the young children they have now, I see the eyes are gone and their a ghostly figure grasping for anything mutually interesting they can say, but they can never find the words, its always awkward, they know they are no longer in the land of the living, its breaks my heart when they reveal their off to Homebase, I have a gift or burden depending on your viewpoint.

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The Excess Baggage that is Gok Wan Friday, 28 September 2012



Hello My Darling



Gok Wan isn’t satisfied at making fat unattractive women  strip in front of a mirror and telling them they are FIT, Goks gay of course they are fit to him because the women quite often look like overweight long distance lorry drivers.

Gok recently used his Chinese roots to lend his hand to Chinese cookery show because we simply haven’t got enough celebrity cookery shows, I saw one episode with his dad in the family kitchen, Gok basically chopped up some spring onions then fingered a duck, his dads face suggested he had seen it all before and much worse, I started to think Gok could do this and reinvent himself, but then his gone back to his roots, gay men can’t live a quiet life his put down the duck arse and his now the host of a tacky dating show called ‘Baggage’. 

Gok has some kind of low level tourettes going on as each contestant is constantly referred to as “My Darling”, his opening line to any woman on the show is that she looks “delicious” the only time a woman can seriously look delicious to Gok must be when shes wearing a 12” strap on cock made of chocolate.

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Every Cunt Wants To Be Famous

Whats happened to people, everybody feels they should be famous, where did this notion come from? I blame it on TV shows like X-factor and The Voice since they have been on Ive noticed people clambering for popularity status, its not exclusive to trying to be on TV people are trying their hardest to be mega popular on Facebook and Twitter, I have worked out how to do it on Facebook you simply have to 'LOL' or 'Like' anything anyone says, I briefly thought about it myself in a moment of weakness then I pulled back from the keyboard and told myself enough is enough I will not like the comment "I am Hungry" or "Just woke up!"

When I watch the X-factor I can say I enjoy the really talented ones but I can't watch the ones that have no talent as its all a ruse for entertainment, I find it hard when a female singer struts about the stage like one of them pussycat dolls howling into the microphone how has this person arrived here, why at any point in time did someone not say " Sheila love don't take this the wrong way but you look and sing like a constipated HGV lorry driver ... try something else sweetheart!" it would have saved her the national humilation and me having to have watched it, and even though I have tried you simply can't un-see things!

Im also baffled by and its usually the females, singing in an American accent but when they stop singing they talk like a thick geordie, then theres always some cock end whose a ladies man pretending his humble and just trying to do it for his little kid, bollocks whose he kidding when his alone his wanking himself off to his own image looking back at himself from a full length hotel mirror and popping a finger up his own arse for good measure his doing it for the sex and money, he aint no saint didnt you spot the tattoos all up his arm, his cocky swagger on stage?

What about the 17yr old boys who come out and try and chat Tulisa up, I can't tell you how many times ive spat at the screen in these kids faces, one lad was so cringy with orange hair and freckles singing face to face at Tulisa I actually started googling for Manchester hitmen on Googles deep search facility, I can get a loan from Wonga.com and pay it back at 1000000% APR worth it though one less little shit on earth thinking his gods gift!

The shows not complete without someone whose been living rough or ran away from home but by chance found out they could sing and play a guitar, its an amazing thing to discover I had a similar experince but on a much smaller scale when I ran away from home, having lived in a wet wooded forest for 3 days and sucumming to eating insects out of starvation I discovered I had a £5 note in my inside coat pocket, I could eat again. 

No I just can't watch the idiots anymore Id sooner watch a Boeing 747 crash into the sea than that, obviously I wouldn't really want to watch a 747 crash but I used that as an analogy, I would hire and personally fly a two seater chipmunk at the landing gear of a 747 if it had Frankie Cockozza on it, it would be worth the sacrifice to mankind.

When I watch X-factor and they show the people outside in the holding pens queueing up a little bit of me turns Teutonic and think if only they had been around during WWII the outcome would have been much more to my liking, instead were forced to watch the cocky no hopers muscle their way onto our 40" flat screens of a Saturday night, I and you are being brainwashed if you don't think so count how many times they put one of those crappy upbeat bedding tracks to a VT of a contestant.

The world doesn't need any more Frankie Cockozzas!

  

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